The Nicene Creed is the Catholic statement of faith which was retained by the Lutheran Protestants and just about all of their 38,000 offshoots.I offer this honest version for people who purport to follow a god of truth and so can be assumed to want a creed that is factually correct.
My helpful insertions are in red.
[Because I was labelled 'Christian' by my parents when I was too young to have a say] I believe in God the Father Almighty [who some primitive and scientifically illiterate people claim was the] creator of Heaven and Earth and in Jesus Christ [who early Christians claimed to be] his only son, who [,according to some accounts and in line with traditional claims of parthenogenic births for human manifestations of gods at the time] was born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate [but no records were made], was crucified [on two different days if you read the later accounts], dead and buried. On the third day [it is claimed by his followers but no one else that] he rose again from the dead [,though the accounts are muddled, confused and implausible and the only alleged witnesses didn't seem to be convinced by it,] and [,so some of his later biographers report, though they disagree where and when,] ascended into [a notional place called] Heaven and sitteth on the right hand of [a notional and purely hypothetica] God the Father [who is also alleged to be the same person who is sitting on his own right hand]. From thence [so his followers hope] he will come to judge the quick and the dead [and kill everyone who disagrees with us so we can have everything for ourselves]. And in the Holy Ghost [who is also 'God the Father' and 'Jesus Christ' but doesn't seem to be very important in this triple-headed god].
I believe in the Holy Catholic Church [though not the Roman version if I'm not a Catholic, obviously], the communion of saints [whatever that means and it's definitely nothing to do with communism] and the life ever lasting [though I know I'm going to die like other people but it's nice to pretend I'm not]. Amen [,which is a magic word we say to make everything we've just said true, like putting 'Fact!' at the end of a tweet we're not at all sure about - not that there is any doubt, mind you!].
This is a profession of belief, you'd think they'd have it memorized, but even though they recite it every Sunday, I've never seen less than half the congregation reading the creed from a card.
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