A Christian Husband's Guide to Sleeping Around

A good Christian man with a wife and bit on the side.

How to train your wife not to be jealous | Biblical Gender Roles

Still trying to understand why American fundamentalist Christians regard Donald Trump as such a great role model and eminently suited to being President of the USA, I looked further into how Christian fundamentalists see a man's marital infidelities. So I turned again to the Biblical Gender Roles blog for an explanation.

Maybe fundamentalist Christians won't be surprised by the hypocritical double standards and cherry-picking approach to the Bible that I found there, but I suspect normal people might at least raise an eyebrow. After all, don't fundamentalists normally make a big thing of the Ten Commandments, including the instruction to not covet a neighbour's wife? Well, that was a mistake, apparently, or maybe it just applies to other people.

If we're to believe our anonymous Christian mentor in matter marital, God not only intends good Christian men to be polygamous but actually approves of it and encourages it. Sleeping around is almost a sacrament. To allay any doubts, our mentor first outlines then demolishes the usual three arguments against sleeping around:

The three most common arguments that anti-polygamy advocates attempt to use to support their belief that polygamy is a corruption of God’s design of marriage and sexuality are:

“God only gave Adam one wife in the garden of Eden, not many” (Genesis 2:21-24)

“God says a pastor must be the husband of one wife” (I Timothy 3:2)

“Look at all the jealousy that was caused between wives because of polygamy” (Genesis 29 & 30)

Then he explains why the Bible is wrong in this respect:

The first argument is faulty based on rules of Scriptural interpretation.

Whenever we are trying under God’s will on any subject we need to follow certain rules. The New Testament interprets the Old Testament, commands outweigh examples and the weight of Scripture interprets Scripture. The anti-polygamy stance of the modern Christian church is a violation of the last two rules.

Anti-polygamists give us the example of God only making one wife for Adam as proof that polygamy is against his design yet they ignore examples of God saying he gave David his Saul’s wives (2 Samuel 12:8) and the example of God picturing himself as a polygamist husband to two wives two passages of Scripture (Ezekiel 23:2-4 & Romans 10:19).

So right there we have examples that God does in fact allow polygamy. But the evidence does not stop there. Rather than just example we actually have a direct command from God allowing men to take other wives as long as they care for their first wives (Exodus 21:10-11).

So there we are, God not only allows a husband to shag around but actually commands it! All that stuff about marriage being between one man and one woman for life is a misreading of the Bible.

The second argument regarding the qualifications for bishops is faulty as well. God’s restriction on pastor’s having one wife is not worded as a condemnation of polygamy or a change in God’s position on polygamy. If it is referring to a restriction against polygamy, then it is a restriction for pastor’s only just as priests in the Old testament had stricter marriage rules than other men (Leviticus 21:14). It could just as easily be referring to the fact that a Pastor must not have divorced any of his wives as there is similar wording for widows serving in the church that they had to have “been the wife of one man” and this was referring to divorce.

So even pastors can have several women, provided they don't divorce any of them. I wonder if our Christian mentor is a pastor!

And of course, that third argument is sheer nonsense! Women, being the possession of their husbands and obliged to obey him at all times, have no right to be jealous. It's their fault for being sinners and not being good Christians, apparently.

The third argument regarding jealousy is perhaps the weakest of the three arguments against polygamy. It assumes that the jealousy of these wives toward each other and their husband lay at the feet of the practice of polygamy. Often the story of Rachel and Leah from Genesis 29 & 30 is one example of jealous wives that anti-polygamists use.

The funny thing is this story if you examine it closely actually works against anti-polygamists. In this story we have Jacob who is madly in love with Rachel yet he tricked into marrying her older sister Leah who is less attractive first. God sees after he marries Rachel that Jacob is not showing the love for Leah that he should so makes her fertile and he makes Rachel barren. Leah has an envious jealousy toward Rachel and she tries to have as many children as she can for Jacob so that maybe he will show her the affection she so desires.

Eventually Leah does something that would make modern women today cringe. She actually gives her husband her servant girl as a wife and God actually rewards her for it by giving her another son...

But anti-polygamists would have us to dismiss all these Biblical examples of God condoning polygamy and his express command allowing it based on their arguments from the creation example, the qualifications for a pastor and the fact of jealous wives.

Isn't it great how you can use the Bible this way! The same passages can be used to argue for and against polygamy! It's all a matter of how you read them. These fixed, objective morals are just great, aren't they, and who can dispute God's holy word?!

The fact is God designed men with the capacity and desire to have multiple wives in the same way he designed women with the capacity and desire to have multiple children. Until the Roman empire outlawed polygamy after the time of Christ society did not condemn men desiring multiple wives. And until the dawn of the feminist movement over a century ago society did not condemn women for desiring multiple children. Now society condemns both. But God’s design has not changed.

So that's that settled then. All the stuff in the Bible that people have misinterpreted as being for monogamy and against polygamy, including that nonsense about adultery being a sin worthy of stoning; all that stuff about forsaking all others, that's all nonsense. God designed men to be adulterers, to covet their neighbour's wives. It was them Romans who stopped it and we've been getting it wrong ever since.

So then, how is a good Christian husband, who after all is only carrying out God's will by shagging around with any woman who understands her responsibility to God to allow herself to be used by any man who fancies her because that's what he was designed for, to cope if his wife (or should that be wives?) get(s) jealous?

The first thing to remember is that it's all the woman's fault - but she can't be expected to work this out for herself. She just needs to be properly trained. You wouldn't expect a dog to just know what to do without being properly so why expect a woman to?

First you need to teach your wife the Word of God. Take her through the Scriptures I have mentioned here regarding the polygamous nature of man. Let’s face it – most men in our culture will never be able to actually marry multiple wives both because of economic reasons and the societal taboos against it. And yes, polygamy has been made illegal but the governments of man have no business in an institution that God created. Laws against having multiple wives are about as valid as laws against having multiple children (China). Yes, we are to obey man’s laws as long as his law does go into areas God did not give the government power over (examples would be marriage, family and the church).

But regardless of whether or not your wife accepts the evidence from Scripture that God created you as a man with a polygamous capacity and nature she must accept that she is not your head and you are not accountable to her but to God. If she disagrees she must accept the disagreement and agree not to hound, you about enjoying the beauty of other women.

You see, there's the rub! Fundamentalist Christians have made all these laws to control other people - laws like the marriage laws - and even become shrill and indignant when secularists want to change them. They have even cherry-picked from the Bible to find the excuses they needed to make those restrictive laws for other people to obey. Now people expect them to comply with these same laws! How unfair is that?

Now, if you are one of these unfortunate women who's not clever enough or god-fearing enough because of your sinful nature, or have somehow gotten the silly idea that the law should even apply to Christians, there are still a few things you can do if your husband is out shagging someone else for God all the time:

1. If you see that your husband seems to be looking at red heads the[sic] perhaps dye your hair red.
2. If you see that your husband seems to like a certain type of blouse or skirt on a woman, then go and buy a blouse and skirt similar to that.
3. If you see your husband looking at women that are thinner than you then you have to ask this question – “Am I way overweight compared to when he met me?” Now obviously with having children and age women gain weight and some of it is almost impossible to lose and you have to recognize your limitations. Maybe you will never be the weight you once were but have you given up? Have you lost as much weight as you can for your age and body type? So instead of being angry at your husband for looking at women that are less overweight perhaps you can channel that jealous energy into losing weight.
4. If you are walking through the mall and you see your husband glance at a couple of women in their early 20’s and you are mom of 4 in your mid 30’s how do you compete with that? The answer is you don’t. You will never be that young again. But you have something those women do not have. You have experience. You have a history with your husband and that counts for something. I believe Christian wives should have sexy selfies standing by. Maybe your husband glances at a few young women and instead of getting mad you send him a selfie from your personal library with a sexy note about what he has to look forward to when he gets home.
5. And here is the toughest and most controversial one of all. According to a survey taken in 2014 as reported on in the Washington Times “79 percent between the ages of 18 and 30 said they watch pornography at least monthly, while 29 percent of them said they view it daily.” So if you are married to man 30 or under there is almost an 80 percent chance that he is looking at some kind of porn (whether softcore or hardcore) on a monthly basis. So the question is whether you agree or disagree with this practice will you grow bitter and angry toward him and allow your pride to make you feel justified as so many women do today? Or will you channel your jealousy into more positive actions? If you catch your husband looking at porn why don’t you show him the real thing right there and then if possible? Or perhaps you might look at some porn yourself just to get an idea of different things you could do to spice things up in the bedroom.

Always remember though that it is you who has the problem. You husband is just carrying out his duty to God! It's you who needs to change so you don't make your poor husband's life too uncomfortable by your unreasonable jealousy, because he is the one dutifully carrying out God's will. If you loved God enough you would even encourage him! You need to stop being so selfish and if you're too fat and have lost your shape from bearing all those children, well tough! You just have to try to make the best of a bad job! You can't expect him to want to have sex with something ugly and repulsive when he could be having it with all those slim, attractive redheads with a better dress sense than you! And if you can't even behave like those good Christian porn stars, you only have yourself to blame and need to take responsibility for your sin!

So that's all clear. It's obvious now why fundamentalist Christians so admire Donald Trump as he dutifully carries out God's will by committing adultery as often as possible! We've all been misreading the Bible and should have been following the example of people like Donald Trump all along!

It's all so obvious now a fundamentalist Christian man has explained it all to us.

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