Monday, 21 January 2013

Stories From The Bible

You really should read the Bible. You'll never believe what's in it.

To cover Mt Everest in 40 days, rainfall would have been 6 inches per minute worldwide. (Genesis 7:12-20) (Tweet it)

To cover Mt Everest in 40 days, the rainfall would have made breathing impossible. (Genesis 7:12-20) (Tweet it)

God creates men and women together (Genesis 1:25-27) then creates Eve out of Adam's rib (Genesis 2:18-25) (Tweet it)

God creates animals before Adam & Eve (Gen 1:25-27) then creates them all again later (Gen 2:18-19) (Tweet it)

God, who knows all, created all the plants for man to eat (Genesis 1:27-29) not realising some are poisonous. (Tweet it)

God, who created everything and knows all, thinks all animals are either male or female. (Genesis 6:19) (Tweet it)

Moses parted the Red Sea and led the Israelites out of Egypt into Sinai which was in er... Egypt (Exodus 14) (Tweet it)

Isaiah warns that God will turn earth upside down so everyone will fall off. (Isaiah 24:1) (Tweet it)

God created wicked people so he would have someone to torture for eternity. (Proverbs 16:4) (Tweet it)

You can tell righteous people because they have plenty to eat. Only wicked people go hungry. (Proverbs 13:25) (Tweet it)

God puts a price on human life. Boys are worth 5 shekels; a girl only 3. (Leviticus 27:1-7) (Tweet it)

James declares every creature in the world is now tame - but forgets to tell the creatures. (James 3:7) (Tweet it)

Jesus declares mustard seeds to be the world's smallest - and gets another fact wrong. (Mark 4:31) (Tweet it)

After many days at sea Noah sent out a raven to find land. The world was small in those days. (Genesis 8:7) (Tweet it)

A few years after the Ark there were enough people to build a tower all the way to Heaven. (Genesis 11:4) (Tweet it)

God, who knows all things, had to come down to earth to find out what was going on. (Genesis 11:5) (Tweet it)

God, who created the universe, gave Noah 7 days to round up 2 of each species. Maybe earth was small then. (Tweet it)

The Israelites, despite all the miracles, worship a golden calf when Moses turns his back. (Exodus 32:1-6) (Tweet it)

The Israelite slaves built the city of Raamses - which wasn't built until 127 years after the Exodus. (Tweet it)

2-3 million Israelites lived in Sinai for 40 years - and left no trace, not even a shoe. (Exodus 16:35) (Tweet it)

Saul saw the light on road to Damascus & so made the first record of temporal lobe epilepsy. (Acts 9:3) (Tweet it)

Moses boasts that he is the most meek person on earth. (Numbers 12:3) (Tweet it)

God is all powerful but can't beat people who have iron chariots. (Judges 1:19) (Tweet it)

God tempteth no man (James 1:13) so Jesus tells us to ask him not to lead us into temptation (Matthew 6:13) (Tweet it)

The only witnesses to the resurrection of Jesus don't see a reason to become Christians.(Matthew 28:12-15) (Tweet it)

A talking vine tells the trees that wine makes God happy. (Judges 9:13) (Tweet it)

To be continued....

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4 comments :

  1. There's just so much funny (as in peculiar)and silly stuff in the tired old bible tome that you could spend the rest of your outlining the absurdity of it all. Please keep this up, We've got a cleric of some sort living next door who is keen to "discuss" their nonsense dogma, the better prepared we are the more entertaining it becomes. Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  2. First 5 books of the bible are known to be written by Moses, and yet, some of it actually discuss the story of what happened AFTER the death of Moses.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There is no claim in the Bible that Moses wrote the first five books but Christian fundamentalists especially insist he did. They claim God must have told him what to write about what was going to happen after he died.

      I dare say that all makes perfect sense to a fundy Christian.

      Delete
  3. I do agree with RosaRuicondior! Because we don't have any specific verse or anything else that proves regarding Moses (PBHU).

    ReplyDelete

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