Monday, 21 January 2013

Stories From The Bible

You really should read the Bible. You'll never believe what's in it.

To cover Mt Everest in 40 days, rainfall would have been 6 inches per minute worldwide. (Genesis 7:12-20)

To cover Mt Everest in 40 days, the rainfall would have made breathing impossible. (Genesis 7:12-20)

God creates men and women together (Genesis 1:25-27) then creates Eve out of Adam's rib. (Genesis 2:18-25)

God creates animals before Adam & Eve (Gen 1:25-27) then creates them all again later (Gen 2:18-19)

God, who knows all, created all the plants for man to eat (Genesis 1:27-29) not realising some are poisonous.

God, who created everything and knows all, thinks all animals are either male or female. (Genesis 6:19)

Moses parted the Red Sea and led the Israelites out of Egypt into Sinai which was in er... Egypt. (Exodus 14)

Isaiah warns us that God will turn earth upside down so everyone will fall off. (Isaiah 24:1)

God created wicked people so he would have someone to torture for eternity. (Proverbs 16:4)

You can tell righteous people because they have plenty to eat. Only wicked people go hungry. (Proverbs 13:25)

God puts a price on human life. Boys are worth 5 shekels; a girl only 3. (Leviticus 27:1-7)

James declares every creature in the world is now tame - but forgets to tell the creatures. (James 3:7)

Jesus declares mustard seeds to be the world's smallest - and gets another fact wrong. (Mark 4:31)

After many days at sea Noah sent out a raven to fly round the world and find land. He didn't think to use a seabird. The world was small in those days. (Genesis 8:7)

A few years after the Ark there were enough people to build a tower all the way to Heaven. (Genesis 11:4)

God, who knows all things, had to come down to earth to find out what was going on. (Genesis 11:5)

God, who created the universe, gave Noah 7 days to round up 2 (or 7) of each species. Maybe earth was smaller then. (Genesis 7:1-4)

The Israelites, despite seeing all the miracles, worship a golden calf when Moses goes up a mountain for a few days. (Exodus 32:1-6)

The Israelite slaves built the city of Raamses - which wasn't built until 127 years after the traditional date of Exodus. (Exodus 1:11)

2-3 million Israelites lived in Sinai for 40 years - and left no trace, not even a worn out shoe. (Exodus 16:35)

Saul saw the light on road to Damascus and so made the first written account of temporal lobe epilepsy. (Acts 9:3)

Moses boasts that he is the most meek person on earth. (Numbers 12:3)

God is all powerful but can't beat people who have iron chariots. (Judges 1:19)

God tempteth no man (James 1:13) so Jesus tells us to ask him not to lead us into temptation. (Matthew 6:13)

The only witnesses to the resurrection of Jesus don't see a reason to become Christians. (Matthew 28:12-15)

A talking vine tells the trees that wine makes God happy. Apparently, God needs alcohol. (Judges 9:13)

God, to whom all things are possible, left Moses to carry two heavy stones down the mountain all by himself. (Exodus 34:29)

Joseph was a 'just man' so didn't tell on pregnant Mary - and showed us he thought God's Law was unjust! (Matthew 1:19)

To be continued....

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  1. There's just so much funny (as in peculiar)and silly stuff in the tired old bible tome that you could spend the rest of your outlining the absurdity of it all. Please keep this up, We've got a cleric of some sort living next door who is keen to "discuss" their nonsense dogma, the better prepared we are the more entertaining it becomes. Thanks!

  2. First 5 books of the bible are known to be written by Moses, and yet, some of it actually discuss the story of what happened AFTER the death of Moses.

    1. There is no claim in the Bible that Moses wrote the first five books but Christian fundamentalists especially insist he did. They claim God must have told him what to write about what was going to happen after he died.

      I dare say that all makes perfect sense to a fundy Christian.

  3. I do agree with RosaRuicondior! Because we don't have any specific verse or anything else that proves regarding Moses (PBHU).


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