F Rosa Rubicondior: Will The Real Jesus Please Stand Up.

Friday 4 November 2011

Will The Real Jesus Please Stand Up.

Which is the real Jesus?

Is he the one who:
  • was born when Quirinius was Governor of Syria (6-12 AD) (Luke 2:2)
  • or the one born when Herod the Great was King (37-4 BC) (Matthew 2:1)?

Is he the one whose adopted father Joseph was:
  • the son of Heli (Luke 3:23)
  • or the son of Jacob (Matthew 1:16)?

Is he the one whose adopted father, Joseph:
  • was descended from King David through 28 generations (Matthew 1:6)
  • or was descended from King David through 43 generations (Luke 3:23-31)?

Is he the one whose conception was:
  • told to his adopted father Joseph in a dream (Matthew 1:18-20)
  • or announced to his mother by an angel. (Luke 1:26-31)?

Is he the one who was born:
  • in the house in Bethlehem where Joseph and Mary lived (Matt 1:18 – 2:23)
  • or in a stable in Bethlehem to where Joseph and Mary have traveled to take part in a census (Luke 1:4 – 2:40)?

Is he the one whose cousin John:
  • survived the killing of the children under 2 years old ordered by King Herod and who later baptised him (Mark 1:9)
  • or was only six months older than him (Luke 1:24-26) so would have been killed in King Herod's slaughter? (Matthew 2:16)?

Is he the one who drove the money lenders out of the Temple:
  • at the beginning of his three-year ministry (John 2:14-16)
  • or in the week before his death (Mark 11:15)?

Is he the one who was crucified:
  • on the day of preparation for Passover at about noon (John 19:14)
  • or on the day of Passover at 09:00 a.m (Mark 15:25)?

Is he the one whose last words were:
  • "Father, into your hands I commend my spirit." (Luke 23:46)
  • or "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" (My god, my god, why have you forsaken me?) (Mark 15:34)?

Is he the one who:
  • died immediately before the land was cast into darkness and the 'curtain of the Temple' was ripped (Mark 15:38)
  • was still alive when the curtain was ripped (Luke 23:45)
  • or whose death was followed by an earthquake and dead people rising out of graves and wandering about in the city, events which, surprisingly, no one else seems to have noticed (Matthew 27:51-54)?

Is he the one whose tomb was:
  • opened in the presence of Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James and an angel who sat outside on a stone (Matthew 28:1-2)
  • found to be open by Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James and Salome with one angel sitting inside it (Mark 16:1-5) (but they told no one about it! (Mark 16:8))
  • found to be open by an unspecified number of nameless women with two angels standing inside it (Luke 23:55 - 24:4)
  • found to be open by Mary Magdalene on her own and in which two angels only appeared after several other people had come and gone (John 20:1)?

Very clearly, only one Jesus can't have been all of the above, so the only possible conclusion, other than that they were all made up, is that there were several different Jesuses and that the Bible's authors were either writing about different ones or they got them muddled up.

With so many to choose from, is it any wonder his followers keep asking us if we've found him? (Tweet this)

Would the real Jesus please stand up?

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  1. It's simple - he was the person who was born on December 25th to a virgin mother; he was called a savior, the only begotten son, and died to save humanity; he was crucified on a Friday - "Black Friday" and his blood was spilled to redeem the Earth; he suffered death with nails and stakes; he was the Father and Son combined in an earthly body; he was put in a tomb but three days later his body was gone and he was resurrected as the most high God; his body was symbolised as bread and eaten by those who worshiped him.

    Oh - hang on - that was Attis who was born in Turkey about a thousand years earlier.

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  4. I think you should read the last part of John Chapman's post Rosa =\

  5. Anonymous.

    Oops! Yes I missed that.

    I'm too used to people who come here and basically take a dump but who never deal with the questions raised.

    Sorry John. I'll remove my comment.

  6. Is he not the one that sits up on a cloud in the sky with his dad and some guy called Peter, who tells you if you get on the cloud or not and if not sends you down to some fire in the middle of the earth somewhere. No can't be, because he a merciful God who forgives your sins, (provided you put enough of your hard earned cash into the collection plate every week, recommended amount 12.5% of your wages). For that amount, I'll take my chances and give myself to the worms!

  7. I like this Jesus the best...


    Buddy, you have a great blog and a great mind. I wish you good fortune and great health in the upcoming year,

    Heart, Kriss

  8. Or the one that showed up in Utah? D'oh! That's another fantasy story...


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