Friday, 2 November 2012

Apologists' Glossary

In recognition of the frequent need of religious apologists to re-define everyday words to make their arguments appear to work and look logical, I have produced this handy glossary. It can also be used by normal people to decode apologetics and turn it from gibberish into normal English.

Word or PhraseReal Meaning
AllegoryAnything in a holy book which science has now shown not to be true and which no one in their right mind would now believe was ever meant to be taken literally. Allegories do not need to be for anything; they just need to be too silly to be taken literally now we know better.
Big Bang
  1. Silly idea that nothing went bang and made everything, so the evidence for it can be ignored.
  2. Not as sensible as the idea that a magic man made from nothing made everything from nothing so he would have somewhere to create me.
Climate ChangeSomething which isn't happening and which has nothing to do with the different weather we are having. Anyway, God will take care of it and it doesn't matter anyway because Jesus will come back soon.
Disproved.
  1. Any scientific idea about which there may be the slightest uncertainty or which is not completely understood in absolute detail, or which any person claiming to be a scientist has ever questioned at any time in recorded history, if it casts doubt on a religious dogma.
  2. Anything which contradicts the holy book of the religion being defended.
Evidence.
  1. Something which can safely be assumed to exist if it would support the religious idea being defended.
  2. Something which arrogant, elitist scientists keep going on about.
Evolution.
  1. The belief that chimpanzees have human babies, invented by Stephen Dawkins who is friend of Karl Marx.
  2. A scientific process which is impossible because of the Second Law of Thermodynamics.
  3. An old idea that everyone knows has been disproved.
  4. The scientific explanation for how all the different species evolved from two of each kind in just 4,000 years after Noah's flood.
Fact.Anything presented without supporting evidence in support of religious dogma. May be given addition power by being appended with an exclamation mark and used at the end of a sentence.
False.
  1. Pertaining to anything tending to disprove a religious dogma, no matter how well supported with evidence or reason.
  2. Anything which contradicts the holy book of the religion being defended.
False Witnessing.
  1. Telling lies - something forbidden by one of the Ten Commandments, so no Christian would ever do it.
  2. Definitely not claiming to have evidence for a god when there is none, or making claims for which there is no evidential support.
  3. Also, definitely not accusing people who you don't agree with of doing things they haven't done.
Faith.
  1. How to tell that all other faiths are false.
  2. Believing things for which there is definitely really good evidence which convinced the people who told me what to believe. No doubts about that at all. Honestly! Anyway, I wouldn't believe it if it wasn't true. Why can't other people see that?
Fool.Anyone who doesn't agree with a religious dogma.
Foolish.Any claim, fact or logical argument which tends to falsify the religious dogma or argument currently being used.
Good.
  1. Pertaining to any act called for in a holy book, regardless of its effects on other people.
  2. Pertaining to people who claim to be members of the religious sect being promoted, regardless of their behaviour.
I know it to be so.Cf. Fact!
Just a theory.
  1. A guess with no supporting evidence.
  2. Description of any body of science together with the supporting evidence, research findings and consensus of opinion of experts in the field, which contradicts anything in the holy book or religious dogma being promoted or defended.
Let's agree to disagree.I've run out of arguments and can't refute anything you've said but I'm not going to admit I've lost because I might have to change my opinion.
Literal Word Of God.
  1. Everything written in the holy book being promoted. Utterly beyond dispute.
  2. Unless it's just too absurd to be believed, or embarrassing, then it is allegorical - but still literally true, obviously.
Love.The act of condescending to people who disagree with you in an attempt to intimidate them.
Lying For Jesus/AllahThe paradox of religious apologists denying doing it when caught in the act.
MetaphorSee Allegory. Normally applies to a instruction in a holy book which, if done today, would be socially unacceptable or even criminal. What it is a metaphor for is often an ineffable mystery which only devout people can understand.
Moral.
  1. Pertaining to anything done in the name of the god being defended or called for in a holy book, regardless of the effect it has on other people, especially non-believers.
  2. Pertaining to any act done to promote the sect being promoted, including deception, misrepresentation, false-witnessing and violence, threatened or actual.
Real.Pertaining to something which can't be demonstrated to exist but which would need to exist for a religious dogma to be true.
Reason.
  1. Not to be trusted if it gives the wrong answer. What St Paul and Martin Luther warned us not to use but didn't say why.
  2. What people who don't trust God use.
  3. What William Lane Craig and other religious apologists brilliantly prove God is real with.
Saved.Pertaining to Christians who believe they have been saved from their god because they believe it exists.
Science.
  1. When contradicting a religious dogma, an unreliable philosophy depending on an unproven materialist view of the universe, which never produces anything worthwhile in terms of knowledge, understanding or progress.
  2. When believed to support a religious dogma, indisputable and infallible method for proving what's true.
Scientist.
  1. When agreeing with the religion being promoted, brilliant and indisputable authority.
  2. When disagreeing with the religion being promoted, mad, elitist, fraud who thinks he knows more than God/Allah. Probably a Communist, rapist and devil-worshipper.
  3. Anyone with letters after his/her name, even if not qualified in a science subject, especially if called 'doctor'.
  4. A Creationist who has watched the Discovery Channel or who owns a science book.
Second Law of Thermodynamics.Science which makes Evolution impossible.
Sinner.Everyone. If Catholic, someone who has sinned since they were last let off by a priest. Some people are obviously sinner than others.
True.Pertaining to anything which would support religious dogma if it were so, especially in the absence of any supporting evidence.
Witnessing.The act of saying anything at all which might, if believed, persuade another person to join the religious sect being promoted.



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