Tuesday, 25 August 2020

Consternation and Shock as Detroit Priest Casts the Wrong Magic Spell

Rev. Matthew Hood. The wrong magic spells!
Invalid baptism of Dearborn priest results in invalid sacraments

LOL! You couldn't make this up!

30 years ago Matthew Hood was baptised into the Catholic Church and, having graduated from the Sacred Heart Major Seminary in 2017, subsequently became an ordained Catholic priest, empowered to carry out the rituals of baptism and marriage. Since July he has been serving as an associate pastor of St. Lawrence Parish in Utica and at Divine Child in Dearborn since 2017.

But there was a hitch!

It seems Deacon Mark Springer, who baptised young Matthew had not received the note from the Vatican changing the wording of the baptism spell from 'We baptise...' to 'I baptise...'. The note was from the Vatican's Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith and should have alerted churches throughout the world. Evidently, Deacon Springer missed it. Just one little word wrong and the whole spell is invalidated and rendered non-functional! Even a spell that had worked perfectly well for generations until someone in the Vatican decided to change it.

A spokesperson for the Archdiocese of Detroit explained:

To say 'We baptize you in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit' does not convey the sacrament of baptism. Rather, ministers must allow Jesus to speak through them and say, 'I baptize you in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.

So, since the wrong magic spell was cast over young Matthew it didn't work and whatever is supposed to happen to turn an ordinary child into a Catholic child obviously failed. Poor Matthew never was a proper Catholic and so was not qualified to become a Catholic priest, no matter that he graduated from Seminary, because he lacked the necessary magic ingredient due to a word-fault!

And so it follows that whatever magic turns an ordinary Catholic into a Catholic priest, so having the necessary magical powers to baptise and marry people with magic spells, had not worked either. Matthew Hood was not qualified to administer sacraments and the people he baptised and married are not properly baptised and married because they haven't been given valid magic, even if Rev. Hood spoke the right spells, wore the right robes and did the right hand-movements!

Archbishop Allen Vigneron said.

It is the duty of the local Church to ensure that everyone entrusted into her care has the full benefit and certainty that come from the valid reception of the sacraments, which have been given to us to keep us as secure as possible on the path to heaven... On behalf of our local Church, I am deeply sorry that this human error has resulted in disruption to the sacramental lives of some members of the faithful. I will take every step necessary to remedy the situation for everyone impacted

Clearly, without the right magic spells, cast by people with the right magical powers, there is no way to get to Heaven, no matter how good a life one has led. Without the magic, you're done for, even if it was someone else's mistake that landed you in that sorry pickle!

Matthew Hood was distraught when he heard the news and said:

One of my first concerns when I found out was about everyone this affects. As a priest, I want to be able to reach out to them and tell them this is something that’s very strange and probably painful, but I’ve gone through this as well, and I want to help you to remediate this problem so we can be certain you’ve received the grace of the sacraments.

All is now well however. Matthew Hood was duly baptised with the right magic words, and then re-ordained as a fully-empowered Catholic priest with all the necessary magic to pass on to others!

It must be very difficult ensuring that exactly the right spells are used to ensure the right magic is passed on to believers so that God will let them into Heaven. After all, no self-respecting god would want to be near someone who hasn't had the right spells cast over them during life!

And this folks, is what religion is all about! Magic spells cast by magicians in special magical costumes. It would be hilarious if people didn't take it so seriously.








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